In light of recent events we will be implementing some changes

Notice to all Mar-a-Lago staff:

As you are aware, our establishment was recently visited by a group of individuals who removed numerous boxes from the second-floor linen closet, the DJ booth in the bar, and other locations. In spite of what you may have been advised by SENIOR PEOPLE in the Organization, this event was not a scavenger hunt for a Men In Black cosplay convention.

As a result of this unfortunate misunderstanding, we will be making changes to some operational processes here at Mar-a-Lago.

  1. The only reading material left in guest suites should be room service menus, guides to the in-room entertainment system, and remaindered copies of Art of the Deal. The practice of placing Daily Presidential Intelligence Updates on pillows has been discontinued.
  2. Internet access will no longer include automatic login to the Department of Defense secure servers.
  3. Flyers featuring detailed blueprints of the Area 51 military base, with alien storage facilities highlighted, have been removed from the “Fun Things To Do!” brochure stand in the main foyer.
  4. The “Top Secret US Intelligence” category has been dropped from the Tuesday night bar trivia competition.
  5. The Friday night English-style fish and chips special will be served wrapped in newspaper, not documents detailing the names of CIA intelligence assets in the Asia-Pacific region.
  6. Under no circumstances should guests be provided with the codes to the nuclear arsenal, even if they call the front desk and say they forgot their copy at home.

Also, please be advised that Ivan, Oleg, Tatiana and Mei Lin are no longer employees of Mar-a-Lago and should not be permitted entry if you see them outside the grounds.

Many thanks for your prompt attention to these matters. Any questions should be referred to your supervisor or Special Agent Dixon, Edgar Hoover Building, Washington D.C.