11 Ways Men Push Women Away Without Realizing It
You don’t know what you don’t know…
Men everywhere face years-long bouts of frustration because they always seem to be pushing women away, but can’t understand why.
I know this, because I used to be one of them.
There were a slew of basic and simple mistakes I kept making over and over again but didn’t realize it.
Simply put — I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
If you’ve fallen into similar patterns, see if any of the points below apply to your dating “techniques”…
1: You have never really learned about women.
Think about any other area of life where you want to be successful. Your career, your health and fitness, your hobbies or passions…in order to be successful, you set out to gain the knowledge and skills required.
You dedicate your energy to learning.
Yet, when it comes to dating, we accept this narrative that “the right person will come along” or that it’s best to “just be yourself.”
This is lazy, passive advice from those who don’t know what else to say.
The truth is that the more you understand the wants, needs, and desires of the woman you are dating, the better boyfriend you’ll be empowered to become.
You’ll enjoy a happier relationship with stronger communication, less drama, fewer arguments, and more love, intimacy, respect, and excitement.
You don’t need to be a mind reader, you just need to put in a little effort.
2: You spend too much time trying to sell yourself.
This is to say, you spend far too much time talking about yourself and not enough time learning about her. Dating is not supposed to be a sales pitch where you try to convince the person on the other end of the table that you’re their best option. It’s about mutual learning and figuring out whether or not you are both a match for each other.
You have two ears and one mouth for a reason: Listen twice as much as you speak.
3: You don’t make her a priority.
As an entrepreneur, I understand the importance of focusing on business and progress, but I also understand the beauty and depth a relationship can bring to your life, and the importance of playing your equal role in it.
The woman in your life wants to feel valued. She wants to feel adored. She wants you to be emotionally present when you are with her. She doesn’t need to have you around constantly, but of course she wants to feel loved, just like you do.
If you stop putting in effort to make the woman in your life feel special every day, you lose your right to complain when she leaves to find someone who does.
4: You didn’t work to build a foundation.
A foundation of trust is essential to every relationship, much like a first building a foundation is essential to building a house. Without it, things may look solid from the outside but will be crumbling from the inside.
Many men shy away from friendship with women because they are scared of being in the ‘friend zone’ and never having morethan that with a woman they have feelings for. But it is important to realize that many relationships are built off other relationships. That is what keeps two people together in the long term. She needs to know she can count on you, that you will be there, that you are the real deal.
You can have a friendship without a relationship, but you can’t have a relationship without a friendship.
5: You are inconsistent.
Another one of the most common questions I get from women about men is:
Why are men so hot and cold? Men can be talking about commitment and a relationship one day, and then completely disappear the next. What gives?
I understand that the social media era has given us options. Maybe too many options.
We can easily X out a conversation and start a new one while easily forgetting about the last one. It is an unfortunate side effect of the out of sight, out of mind mentality that comes along with constant information overload.
But, one thing will never change: The fact that you are talking to real human beings with real feelings and emotions.
If you are interested in her, tell her. If you are not interested in her, tell her. A gentleman will never mislead a woman he is not truly willing to pursue.
6: You focus too much on her looks.
Most guys try to get a woman’s attention by complimenting her beauty, and put no effort into learning about her character.
Do I think she is stunning? Obviously.
Do I think she is ultra-sexy and has an amazing body? Of course.
But none of this was the foundation of our relationship. It is simply a result of building a strong emotional and mental connection over time.
Why didn’t I shower her with compliments about her beauty? Because I didn’t want her to think that’s why I wanted to be with her.
Yes, she is beautiful and sexy and all of those things, but she is so much more than that. I actually told her once that I didn’t want her to think I only wanted her for her looks, and she told me that if I’d spent too much time complimenting her beauty, that’s exactly what she would have thought.
The woman in your life will have much more appreciation for you taking the time to notice her character, compassion, thoughtfulness, and kindheartedness — far more than you telling her how great her butt looks in those jeans. Even if it does.
7: Too much, too soon.
Yes, men can be clingy too. Particularly when we find a woman who really catches our attention, sometimes the excitement can be a little overwhelming and we may come on stronger than we intend to. This, particularly for a more independent type of woman, can be kryptonite and push her away immediately.
Take a step back, a deep breath, tell her what a great time you had on your date, and do your best to fight the urge to text her every 5 minutes. Don’t be worried about coming across as uninterested, you will actually likely be helping yourself rather than hurting yourself.
8: You have not yet defined yourself or your own path.
I know that this was a big hang-up for me for along time. I hadn’t really built self love., understood who I was, or who I wanted to become. For that reason (and others) I knew I wasn’t going to be ready for a relationship until I had at least a better grip on those questions.
In order to be happy with someone else, you first need to be happy with yourself. That is the most important relationship you’ll ever have. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be either.
The idea of “you complete me” is romantic, but it is not realistic. A relationship is not about two people who complete each other, it’s about two people who are already whole and accept each other completely.
9: You put in part time effort.
Healthy relationships are not a part time commitment. The woman you are with is not just another option or a way to pass your time, and she shouldn’t be made to feel like she is.
When you are with her, be with her. When you are not with her, let her know you’re thinking about her. A relationship is a team, and teams fall apart when one of the members doesn’t pull their own weight.
As mentioned earlier, she needs to know that you will be there for her during good times and during bad times. If you always seem to be just sort of kind of committed, she will eventually realize she is better off being single or finding someone who gives her what she needs.
10: You are clueless about how she’s feeling.
On a deeper level than the first point about not really learning about women, you also need to make sure you learn about her. About the one woman who you have committed your time and effort to. If you do not put in the effort to become in-tune with how she is feeling or what she is communicating to you non-verbally, you will never be able to form the type of deep, emotional connection that a healthy relationship should possess.
She doesn’t want or need you to be a psychic. But if you truly put in the time and effort to communicate with her, listen to her, and pay attention to the things she is saying to you when she’s not actually speaking; you will gain a greater understanding of the woman you love and ultimately be able to bring more happiness to you both as individuals and to your relationship.
11: You lose sight of who you are as a man.
This often happens down the line after we’ve been in a comfortable relationship for a long time. We become comfortable, complacent, and lazy.
We lose sight of the man we used to be when we first attracted our partner or spouse to us.
This, more than anything, will start creating a divide between you. If you’re no longer the man she fell in love with, how can you expect her to stay in love with you?
Yes, we must always be growing, involving, and improving as men — this should be a personal goal regardless of our relationship status. But, the added benefit is that it keeps us attractive and interesting to the woman we’ve chosen to spend our life with.
Before you ask — yes — obviously she should be doing the same.
The point is, though, you don’t need to be the perfect man to make her happy. You just need to be the man you said you were when you first met her.
Relationships should not be as complicated as they seem to be for our generation. They don’t need rules or checklists. But what they do need is two people who are willing to learn, understand, and communicate. Two people who will stand by each other when things are good, and when things are bad.
Two people who are willing to work together as a team. Because in the end, the team wins the game.