Guys don’t always communicate their needs, so I’ll do it for them.
Men are conditioned to hide their feelings and “not be needy,” but there is a difference between being needy and having needs.
We all have needs in a relationship, so here are to help you better understand your guy, because if he won’t tell you, I will:
1: Men want a feeling of stability.
Stability is usually a feeling we hear about women seeking in a relationship, but it cannot be overlooked that men also want to feel that they’re in a solid partnership with someone who they can count on.
Think about it: Men, by default, are still the pursuers in traditional dating. No matter how progressive our society (rightfully) becomes, our biological tendencies still position the men to “do the work.”
As a fan of old school romance, I enjoy that task.
However, that also means we are conditioned to feel that we need to earn the love of a woman. And, while that is true, if we always feel like we’re about to lose her it can be uncomfortable and concerning.
It’s also a breeding ground for arguments and confusion if we are always wondering whether or not she is in it for the long haul.
Yes — he must earn your love — but make sure he knows that it’s actually working.
2: Men want you to be their teammate.
Anyone who’s honest about the nature of reality knows that life and love both take work.
We are inundated daily with our careers, family, errands, chores, bills, social events, hobbies, passions, and maybe — every once in awhile — time for ourselves.
When we choose to build a life alongside someone, things become much easier and more enjoyable when we know we’re doing it alongside someone. A teammate. A partner. A colleague in the business of life.
Building a life together is about having common goals and a shared vision for the future. Turning your vision into reality only happens if you both agree on what needs to be done and work towards it together.
If he knows he can count on you, he won’t feel like he’s on the journey alone — and being with the wrong person will make you feel more alone than being single ever will.
3: Men want to feel supported.
When you talk to highly successful people, you’ll find a common thread in their advice:
Choose the right person to have by your side.
The love and support from your partner (or lack thereof) can make or break your level of success and happiness in life — no matter what that looks like for you.
If he is striving to do more, be more, and achieve more, then he will either be lifted up or pulled down by your level of support for him.
This isn’t a matter of opinion, the studies prove it.
It doesn’t matter where his ambition is bringing him, whether it’s on a fitness journey, building a business, or pursuing another degree in later years, knowing that you are rooting for him might just be what he needs to see it through to the end.
A good man should always be by your side as you pursue your passions, and he will need to know you’re willing to do the same for him.
4: Men want to laugh with you.
As a woman, you know that a sense of humor is attractive in a man, so logic follows that it’s attractive in a woman, as well.
It’s easy to fall for a woman who keeps him smiling and laughing, whether it be exchanging funny texts or spending a night on the couch laughing until your stomach hurts.
It is, after all, an aphrodisiac.
More importantly, though, is that life can be heavy at times. We all face challenges and struggles of our own, and being with someone who makes it feel even heavier is going to make it that much more difficult.
Being with someone who can brighten our day, though, that can make all the difference in the world.
5: Men want to feel needed.
Before you tell me that women don’t need men for anything — we know.
That’s why I’m writing this point.
We already know that women are outpacing us professionally and educationally.
You may hold a higher degree than him, or earn more money than him.
To a man, though, this can be make him question his place in a relationship.
I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying it’s true.
We know you don’t need us to open the car door, or pull out the chair at the restaurant, or run that errand you were going to do — but we want to.
We want to because it makes us feel like we are adding value and contributing to your life.
We want to because we know it’s the small things that mean the most.
We want to because it’s a way that we can show our love through action.
Just as many women reading this feel a natural instinct to nurture, your male counterparts feel a natural instinct to provide, and when their ability to do so is taken away, they will feel undervalued, underutilized, and even unwanted in the relationship — whether or not it’s true.
6: Men want intimacy.
You were probably expecting a point in this article about sex.
Obviously, sex is a hugely important element to any relationship. Without sex, you basically have a roommate.
But this point isn’t about sex. This point is about intimacy.
And intimacy is much more emotional than it is physical.
Sure, some men go through phases where they just want meaningless, emotionless sex for strictly physical reasons.
But if he chooses to enter into a relationship, the needs are far deeper than that. The need for intimacy is only filled by a deep emotional connection with the woman that he loves.
It manifests in all different ways — hand holding, laying your head on his shoulder, long hugs, cuddling up during movie nights.
It shows up as meaningful conversations, acts of romance, empathy and compassion.
And yes — it shows up as sex. But not just sex — making love.
Sex with a partner where real intimacy is present will always be a more fulfilling experience than when it’s just for fun. It quite literally and biologically builds a bond between two people and it also serves as a barometer for the health of the relationship.
Intimacy, of course, can only be created when both people are committed to it. That also means that the undeniable rewards are shared and multiplied as it spreads through the relationship.
7: Men want to give.
Give what? You might ask.
I believe that good men find a sense of fulfillment and purpose in giving. Not just giving material gifts, but giving their time, attention, love, and affection to someone.
In giving compliments, performing acts of service — and if you were wondering, yes, also being a giver in the bedroom. But that’s for another article.
Most importantly, his reason for giving must be genuine and selfless, not for the sake of a return.
The intention must be to make you feel good, because in a relationship, your happiness is tied to his happiness.
Contributing to your level of happiness makes him feel a sense of value, that he matters in your life, and that he is bringing something to the table that nobody else can — his own genuine kindness.
8: Men want you to be proud of them.
If the person you’re with isn’t proud to be with you, then you’re with the wrong person.
If you’re not proud of the person you’re with, then you’re with the wrong person.
9: Men want to feel appreciated.
I have spent years encouraging men to do more and do better in relationships.
I have spent years doing my best to live up to the same standard. Sometimes, better than others.
But one thing remains consistent, which is the genuine and heartfelt intention behind the actions at all times.
This intention is fueled by gratitude. I think that the lifeblood of all (long-term) kindness, actually, is gratitude. In other words, it doesn’t matter how kind or caring someone is, if they feel taken for granted and unappreciated, eventually their actions will begin to wane.
Eventually they will wonder if they’re giving their heart to someone who doesn’t care about them in return.
You don’t need to do the same things for him in return. He doesn’t need, nor want that.
What he does need, is to know that his efforts are recognized, noticed, and appreciated.
Just as the clown stops performing when the people stop laughing — people stop giving to others when the others don’t seem to care.
On the other hand — if he knows what he’s doing is making an impact, he will never stop doing it. It all depends on how you respond.
10: Men want to feel fully accepted for who they are.
Before I get into this point let’s acknowledge one thing:
Women are, constantly, put under immense amounts of pressure to look a certain way, to act a certain way, to water themselves down in order to fit a mold of what they “should be,” and it is (and always has been) unacceptable.
In this article, though, we’re talking about men. And men face their own pressures from society about body image, masculinity, financial and social status, and a slew of other “should bes” that can be confusing and frustrating.
Unspoken insecurities can drive men to constantly compare themselves to others — who is taller, who is more muscular, who’s got the faster car, who lives in the bigger house.
If it sounds childish, that’s because it is — but the point I’m making is that the place we should feel fully secure in who we are, is with the person that we love.
No judgment about his quirks, no feeling of inadequacy, no snide remarks about his profession, his appearance, or his abilities. He already criticizes those things enough on his own.
If he can fully step into his most authentic self when he is with you, then all parts of his (and your) life will shine brighter because of it.
Yes, good men are hard to find, but when you do find one, hold on to him tightly.
I could go on forever with things like communication, feeling safe, getting along with his friends and family, and a whole slew of others — so tell me in the comments, which of these are most important to you in a relationship?