There is a lot of confusion in the dating world these days surrounding what women want, how men are ‘supposed’ to act, or even what kind(s) of men actually attract women.
The points in this article are designed to help you approach life and love through a new, clearer lens. There is no predicting how our lives are going to unfold in the future, but we can do our best to create the circumstances we want to live in every day.
1: She doesn’t really want the nice guy.
First thing’s first — get the idea out of your head that a woman wants a guy who’s just going to be nice and mushy all the time. Regardless of how many articles I write on this website about bringing back romance, that doesn’t mean being kind and romantic is the only thing a man should be.
A woman wants to know that you care enough to be genuine and loving towards her, but she still wants you to be her MAN. She wants to be able to count on you for protection, for help, for support, for a variety of circumstances that may arise in life that ‘a nice guy’ simply wouldn’t be equipped for.
She needs a man who will challenge her and help her grow. A man who will be honest and truthful with her (without ever being hurtful). If she can walk all over you and call the shots 100% of the time, she WILL get bored and eventually walk away.
You can be a good man without being ‘the nice guy.’ Balance is the key.
2: You need to stop idolizing women.
Love. Adore. Cherish. Value. Respect.
Many men put women on a pedestal that essentially turns them into a mythical creature like a unicorn. There are a few reasons why this is a bad idea:
- It psychologically puts you out of the game. You’ll never think you could get her attention.
- It turns her into something she’s not. Nobody is perfect. Nobody is without flaws. Nobody is superhuman.
- It changes how you approach her. If you do not see her as a human being just like you (and everyone else), you will be drooling over her by the time you’ve said your first word. Not attractive.
I have been fortunate enough to build friendships (and sometimes more) with some pretty incredible women. Actresses, models, CEO’s, musicians, artists, doctors, professors…and the one thing they all had in common?
They are all human beings who want to be connected with, listened to, and valued…just like you. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you’ll be able to have normal conversations with women, regardless of what they do or what they look like.
3: Learn to respect yourself.
Here’s an honest truth: A woman will never date you if she doesn’t respect you. And, she will never respect you if you don’t respect yourself.
Think of the previous point — idolizing her and putting her on a pedestal. All this does in her mind, is put you below her (how can it not, if you’re putting her above yourself?) It may be flattering at first, but nobody wants to date someone who puts himself underneath her…
Yes, I know how that sounded…you know what I mean. Neanderthal.
The point is that you need to work on developing yourself as the type of man that you would respect. This means building a life you can be proud of. Getting into good physical shape. Learning how to dress and project yourself well. Discovering what you are good at and working to build more of a talent around it. Being happy with who YOU are, regardless of your relationship status.
The best way to become attractive, is to live an attractive life. And the ironic part is, that is often a result of not caring about being attractive. Do it for yourself, the rest will follow.
4: Stop trying to convince women to date you.
If I had a dollar for every woman who told me that a man rattled off his resume or vehicle collection to her in order to get her to fall for him — then I’d retire from coaching men and just sit on a beach somewhere.
Attraction and love is emotional, it’s not logical. Despite what articles in Cosmo or Glamour will tell you, there is no checklist that will make someone fall for you. It’s all about a mental and emotional connection (often referred to as ‘chemistry’) that brings us…and keeps us, together.
A woman wants a man who will (finally) put in effort for her. To show her excitement, passion, adventure, something DIFFERENT than everyone else. If you can project this reality through your ACTIONS, you won’t need to convince her of anything. She is smart — she can see and feel the way you live your life, she doesn’t need to be told.
Like anything else in life, people are attracted to the positive. The fun. The exciting. Remember point #2…this means HER, too. She is a human being just like everyone else, not exempt from emotions or desires. Understand this, and you will notice immediate changes in how women respond to you.
5: Overcome your fear of rejection.
Don’t worry, we ALL have it. We all experience it, no matter how confident we become. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t overcome it. It just means that it becomes easier and easier to overcome as you continue developing yourself as a man.
“But, how do I overcome this fear, James?”
Here’s the fun part: You do it by smashing right through the brick wall. There are no tricks or antidotes to magically becoming more confident…except, maybe, tequila…but the reality is that you’ve got to put yourself out there more often and FACE rejection.
Then, something magical will happen: The world will not come to an end.
It will probably sting, it’ll probably knock your ego for a bit of a loop, but at the end of the day, it won’t kill ya. It’s going to teach you valuable lessons for what you can do better next time, and help you understand that you’re resilient and life goes on after a woman doesn’t give you her phone number.
6: Develop better communication skills.
Did you know: A woman’s ‘communication center’ in her brain is 2.5 times larger than yours is? If you’ve ever felt as though you’ve had a harder time expressing yourself, your feelings, and your emotions than women do — fret not, you actually DO.
I’m not saying this as an excuse (even though some men would use it as one), I’m saying it as a valuable piece of knowledge that highlights the need to actually put in effort to communicate more effectively with women…and in general.
The more effectively you can communicate your interests and your thoughts, the better you will be with talking to people in general (ahem, women). Then, the more confidence you will develop because you’re more sure of yourself and your abilities. Then, the less you will fear rejection, then…
I’m sure you see where this is going…
7: Project what you want to attract.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: You do not attract what you desire, you attract what you project.
Do you want to date a woman who lives the CrossFit lifestyle, but you spend your days on the couch munching away on chips while playing XBox?
Do you want to date a woman who summers in Milan shopping for the latest fashions, but your idea of ‘dressing up’ is a baseball jersey and cargo shorts?
We like to make ourselves feel better by hearing comfortable advice that tells you to just keep doing what you’re doing until the right person along, because they’ll appreciate you for you…but what if they can’t tell who YOU are because you’re not projecting yourself accurately?
Consider yourself as a brand, and the way you project yourself is the marketing material. Is your marketing giving an accurate image of what the brand is all about?
If the answer is no: Change it.
8: Develop your own life passions.
You may have noticed a common theme in this article is more about YOU than HER. This is because the best way to attract a woman is to simply be an attractive man.
But, men and women view attraction differently. While men are more visually driven, women take a man’s entire presence into account. Is he ambitious? Passionate? AUTHENTIC? Family oriented? Would he make a good father? Husband?
All of these thoughts come into account when a woman is sizing up a man. It’s not your strong jawline or bank account balance that will win her over in the long run.
Consider the reality of our natural biology. When seeking a mate, men have a very…simple task at hand (no pun intended) when it comes to reproduction. So, our primal instincts tell us that attraction is easy. In and out. One and done. Okay, you get the idea.
For women, though, the process is much more complicated. She considers 9 months of pregnancy. She considers how you’ll support her during those times (I don’t mean financially, I mean emotionally). She considers being out of work for months. She considers her body and hormones changing in ways outside of her control. She considers A LOT more than you do when it comes to hopping in the sack or starting a serious relationship.
So, what’s going to make her see you as a potential suitor? It’s sure as hell not going to be your smooth pickup line or that $22 martini you bought her at the rooftop lounge. It’s going to be the way that YOU live your life. The way she feels about herself when she’s around you. The way you interact with the people she cares about, and the people YOU care about.
A happy “we” only starts with a happy “me.” Do you have that part covered yet?
9: Desire being wanted over feeling needed.
A lot has changed over the past couple of generations. During my grandparents’ generation, women really did NEED men. Hell, it’s been less than 100 years since women got the right to vote in America.
Today, women make more money than men, graduate at a higher rate from college than men, can adopt a child or go to the sperm bank if they want a baby…men have a much different role in relationships than we used to.
It has been argued with me (by women) that women still do need men in a lot of ways — but it is much more rooted in love, companionship, sex, and the human needs that we all have. While this part is true, we still need to let go of the idea of being relied upon in more traditional ways. Men do not need to ‘bring home the bacon’ any longer.
One could argue that being wanted is far better than being needed, because it means a relationship is a mutual choice, not a matter of necessity.
10: Finally, understand this isn’t about women at all.
Let me lay this on ya, my man. It’s time you stop revolving your life around trying to be in a relationship. The second you come across as needy or supplicating, is the second she starts running in the other direction (probably into the arms of a man who did everything in this article).
This is really about becoming the strongest, most evolved version of who YOU are. This is about developing the life that YOU want to live. Establishing YOUR identity and putting an action plan in place in order to truly become that person. I’m not talking about faking it, I’m talking about making it.
Then, something beautiful will happen: You won’t feel a nagging need to be in a relationship. You won’t feel lonely or incomplete if you’re single. You won’t feel a constant pull to go ‘pick up chicks’ all the time, only to find out that meaningless one-night stands make things worse, not better. Well, over time, at least.
Being in a relationship with an amazing woman is a privilege bestowed on the men who have worked to become the best version of themselves. When it happens, it will be a bonus on top of an already satisfying and fulfilling life.
And really, when it comes down to it, what more can you ask for?