You can’t put a filter on a bad personality.
Let’s begin with the obvious: Physical attraction matters. That being said, everyone is attracted to something different, so there is no “right way” to look. What’s most important is being healthy, and happy with yourself. That’s what’s truly attractive.
You wouldn’t always think so, though. We live in a society that idolizes beauty every single day. Advertisements of beautiful people, influencers with perfectly chiseled abs and jaw lines, commercials with beautiful people, beautiful people around us in the world…
Studies even show that attractive people are more successful in life.
Beauty, though, doesn’t maintain a relationship. It doesn’t care for you when you’re sick. It doesn’t stand by you through your hardest times. It doesn’t make you feel safe or secure at night. And, it certainly doesn’t grow into old age with you.
When it comes to building intimate relationships, friendships, or living a happy and fulfilling life — men look for a lot more than just surface appearance.
Immature love chooses the person who looks best in your Instagram selfies. Mature love chooses one who has real qualities and traits that will make a relationship work in the long run.
Here are ten of them:
1: Someone who is kind.
Someone who is kind to themselves, and someone who is kind to you.
Kindness is the warmth that we feel radiating from someone’s heart. It’s the smile across the room, the compliments that make you feel good, the hand in yours as you sit together.
Kindness spreads beyond our relationships into every area of life. Someone who is kind will treat others with the same level of respect. The bartender, the valet, the tailor, their coworkers, family, and friends.
There is no amount of beauty that can take the place of kindness. Eventually, the abrasive attitude and lack of consideration for others will make even the most beautiful person lose their luster.
2: Someone who is confident.
Confidence has a plethora of benefits in a relationship that reach far beyond physical appearance. Confidence is a sign that someone is secure in themselves, and therefore won’t be needy or dependent.
Confidence has the security to elevate others, which means your partner will love to see you shine and be your biggest cheerleader.
Confidence empowers someone to live their own life and pursue their own passions, so you can see them as a true teammate and equal along the journey.
Confidence, no matter what someone looks like, draws others to them like a beacon.
Confidence is not arrogance. Arrogance is loud and demands attention. Confidence is steadfast and certain — it is calm and sure of itself. It has nothing to prove and therefore doesn’t compromise its values or standards in order to gain validation from others.
3: Someone who is intellectually challenging.
Men who know what they’re looking for in a relationship have enough experience to understand that beauty and appearance only serve as a starting point.
Yes, attraction is undoubtedly what sparks our interest in someone. You can’t, after all, spot a personality from across the room. Many a fling was built on physical attraction alone, but how long can it last?
Real connection is built through communication, conversation, shared interests and values…a deeper dive into someone’s existence that simply cannot be uncovered without the ability to explore one’s self.
Lack of curiosity or depth stifles one’s ability to have meaningful conversations that keep someone’s interest longer than just a few dates.
4: Someone who carries themselves with class.
I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. Class has nothing to do with the price tag on your outfit. Class is about the dignity you carry yourself with and the level of respect you show to those around you.
Real, genuine integrity and personal standards of conduct.
We’ve gotten so caught up in the image of what we think being “classy” means, that we’ve stopped learning about etiquette, manners, and the things that really empower us to live an elevated life.
The ability to handle yourself with class and grace in any social circumstance is far more attractive than just a pretty face.
5: Someone who lives with passion.
What are you truly passionate about? It could be a social cause, giving to your community, building a business, pursuing a fitness goal…whatever it is, passion is the fuel that powers the vehicle of our dreams.
What’s more attractive than watching someone in their zone? Whether it’s dancing, knitting, making art, fighting for a cause, helping others…living with passion gives an extra dimension that draws people to you.
Just like everyone being attracted to something different, everyone is passionate about something different. The important part, though, is having a passion in the first place.
Somewhere to direct your energy, something to be proud of, a purpose that drives you forward every day.
6: Someone who is honest and true.
How long will you stay in a committed relationship with a beautiful liar? If you cannot trust your partner or believe what they say, how can you construct a solid, lasting foundation with them?
You can’t, no matter how good looking they are.
7: Someone who is consistent.
Being consistent is a valuable virtue because it lets your partner know, quite simply, who they’re committing to.
Showing up consistently in life and love is how we build trust with those around us. It shows we are reliable and can be counted on — not just for who we are, but for what we say we’ll do.
Consistency outside of a relationship is also a valuable virtue. It empowers us to stick to routines, gain new skills, and build a foundation for a happy and healthy life.
8: Someone who exhibits empathy.
Being compassionate, supportive, and empathetic towards your partner is a huge part of building a successful relationship.
Life brings us all personal challenges in life. We may face an illness, or an accident, or loss of a loved one, or a mental health struggle. When we make the promise of “in sickness and in health”, we pledge our universal loyalty to someone (unless, of course, they are abusive or damaging to our physical or mental health — you are never obligated to tolerate any of that).
Empathy, though, allows healthy relationships to thrive as both partners care for and support each other through their times of need.
9: Someone who puts in the effort.
Effort, effort, effort.
Relationships are a two way street, and sometimes beautiful people gain a sense of entitlement along their journey in life.
They are often treated differently, especially when it comes to dating. They know they are pursued and desired, and therefore expect to coast through relationships without having to put in any real work. Sometimes, men are the very ones perpetuating this cycle by letting them get away with it.
For the men who want a real partner, though, they know that relationships aren’t about give and take, they’re about give and give, and only work if both people contribute equally.
10: Someone who is their most authentic self.
Your identity and purpose are what define the reality you live in both inside and outside of a relationship. They dictate the decisions you make, the values you live by, the standards you hold for yourself and others.
The way you choose to show up in the world creates the mark that you leave on it. It shapes the way people see you, and — most importantly — how you see yourself.
The partner you choose for a relationship is a reflection of who you are and what’s important to you.
As they reflect you, they will also help shape you.
Does their presence in your life encourage you to be and do better? Do you like the person you are when you are with them?
If the answer is no, no amount of beauty will change it to “yes.”
Don’t get me wrong — physical attraction plays a major role in relationships.
Love builds intimacy, and intimacy builds love. But the truth is, unless one (or both) of you has a career related to your appearance, the majority of your time in a relationship will be spent doing things that have nothing to do with what either of you look like.
It will be spent living. Running errands, doing things with family or friends, watching TV, riding in the car, chasing the kids around the house, or going out to dinner.
Whether or not you enjoy doing these things with someone isn’t influenced by what they look like — it’s influenced by who they are as a human being — a human being that you damn well better love spending your time with.
Remember — you can have a friendship without a relationship, but you can’t have a relationship without a friendship.