It’s been a long journey to accept the truth that my desire for this is a primal element in my desire for sex.
For me, sex always had a double edge of allure and danger. I suspect this duel aspect of desire and danger goes back to our ancient heritage where getting caught with your pants down could lead to getting eaten by the tiger that was stalking you. For women, getting pregnant could mean death for themselves, since many women died in childbirth.
I have previously said that men need to feel they have a “safe harbor” when they connect with their partner. In a world of competition and conflict, where we feel we must always compete to be chosen, we long for the comfort and acceptance of a partner who can take us in and nurture us. We want to feel we can let down our guard, open our hearts, and be engulfed with love. But I often felt anxious and depressed. I’ve wondered why I’ve resisted the safe harbor I’ve longed to rest within.
There’s a secret about sex that I’ve kept hidden for most of my adult life. It started with a fantasy I had when I was having intercourse. As I would begin to fully relax and give myself over to the pleasure of love-making, I felt I wanted to return to the womb.
The thought terrified me. I felt if I ever were allowed entrance to that safe harbor it would feel so good I never would never want to leave. I would cease being a man. I might even cease to exist. Even as I pursued women, and having found the woman of my dreams enjoyed sex with her, I also felt afraid. Being taken in was my greatest desire and my greatest fear.
I began to get an understanding of my desire and my terror when I first read Sam Keen’s book, Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man. “It was slow in dawning on me that WOMAN had an overwhelming influence on my life and on the lives of all the men I knew,” said Keen. “I am not talking about women, the actual flesh-and-blood creatures, but about WOMEN, those larger-than-life shadowy female figures who inhabit our imaginations, inform our emotions, and indirectly give shape to many of our actions.”
I began to understand that having sex meant entering the realm of WOMAN (at least for heterosexual men) and my longing for a safe harbor competed with my desire to be free and independent — “to become my own man.” This recognition helped me understand why I would pull away after having intercourse. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to cuddle or enjoy the afterglow of sex, but because an inner terror, outside my conscious mind, was telling me, “Don’t let yourself get too close, or stay too long. You’ll become trapped and never want to leave.”
Looking back, I realize I would often project this subconscious fear on the woman. After being close and feeling safe, I would get irritated with her. The next morning or the next day, we would have a fight. It never occurred to me that the irritability and anger I often felt towards the woman in my life had roots in my own fear of letting myself go and truly returning to the safe harbor that I longed to enter.
It is said that “the truth shall set you free.” It’s been a long journey to accept the truth that my desire for a safe harbor is a primal element in my desire for sex. It’s taken me even longer to recognize my fear of losing myself in the safe harbor of WOMAN. Being married to Ann for more than 1 year now, I’m finally learning to relax in her embrace, knowing that I need not fear my own desire to stay. Like the tides that come in and go out, I’ll always want to leave to do my work in the world. And I’ll always want to return to the safe harbor of her love.