Allow me a moment to unload

Hi, all! It’s a penis, here. Hope everyone is doing well.

*throat clearing noise*

I’ve held it in long enough and need to unload on you for a moment. No, you don’t need to grab a tissue.

It’s time penises and vaginas get equal treatment. Why is it nobody cocks an eyebrow when vaginas get all the praise and attention? What am I, rotten meat? I get a burning sensation coursing through me every time I think about it. Where’s my penicillin?

Everyone strokes and caresses a vagina. Well isn’t that sweet. I just get yanked and slapped around. It’s like vaginas are the genitalia royalty. They’re treated like pampered princesses. Aren’t we the ones with the family jewels?

Everyone gets mad if I hang out of an open zipper and take a look around. Especially in a crowded room. What’s your beef? I like to keep an eye out. Sue me.

No one expects a vagina to be suffocated day in and day out! They flit around willy-nilly under skirts all the time and no one makes a big stink about it. Supposedly it’s healthy for them to “get air”.

Why is it illegal for me to swing in the breeze every once in a while? Oh yeah, and if I’m out of pants, I am supposed to be sheathed. Only then are we “safe”. And these days mouths and noses are bitching about wearing a mask! Sheesh! I bet they wouldn’t like to be shrink-wrapped in rubber. Suck on that for a while.

Oh, and when vaginas aren’t naked, they’re wrapped in an array of lace, satin, and luxurious material. And don’t get me spewing about all the styles they can choose from! Everything from thongs to bikinis to boy shorts and cheekies. The options are endless. The lucky snips! I’m turning purple at the injustice of it all!

What do I get? Boxers or briefs. Talk about being shafted! Why do I always get the bone? The unfairness of it all chafes me more than going commando.

And what about all the fancy schmancy beauty and health products made specially for a vagina? The douches, deodorants, moisturizers, soaps, oils and perfumes. There’s even specialty razors. Gimme a break! We wouldn’t want the skin around Miss Puss irritated, would we?

Call me nuts, but I’m itching to understand why vaginas get the preferential treatment. I can’t wrap my head around it.

Ugh! The unfairness of it all makes me limp with fury!

Ever hear of luxury penis products? I think not. Instead, there’s a lot of pills designed to give us a big head. It’s hard to swallow the fact some folks think that’s all we’re good for.

I’m sure by now you think I’m being a dick and you’re thinking vaginas are nicer because they’re more easygoing and flexible. I’m not always this woodenly rigid on a subject. But the urge to keep poking and prodding is strong. Nothing a good beating won’t fix.

If I am told I’m ugly one more time I’m going to explode. I might not be the most photogenic fella, but I don’t need the scathing comments when I text a selfie. The vagina wouldn’t win a beauty contest either. Okay, now I’m sounding pricky.

But why are vaginas compared to a lotus flower and other sweet things and I’m referred to as a man’s junk? Talk about shriveling my confidence!

I’m worth more than this! Which brings me to another subject. They say vaginas are moneymakers and I can’t deny it. Sex sells, but I feel like I’m always selling myself short. Who am I kidding? It’s tough to sell myself at all. The competition is stiff.

Well, enough is enough. I’ve shot my wad on the subject and now I feel drained. Think I’ll take a nap. I’m petered out.

Joseph A. Cornacchia