If you just listened to your member you would be so much happier

I seem qualified to speak on this topic and I CAN claim to have known over a hundred of them, and each of them spoke to me in their own love language, which is called Prickish, by the way.

I’m fluent.

It’s an Indo-European dialect that is not too difficult to master. You just need to be good at all things oral, which I’ve been told I am.

1. “I’m not tired!”

So you’re snuggling up and putting the moves on your guy, and for whatever reason, he claims to be too tired right now. Don’t you hate that? I do.

Anyhow, if you speak Prickish, you can yank out his willie and ask him, “Hey, Willie, are you tired?”

And he will certainly say, “Heck no, I’m not a bit tired.”

Because willies never get tired. The rest of a man’s body gets tired. But I spoke to a biologist about this, and he confirmed to me, “The penis does not have any fatigue mechanism. Evolution kept the human member in a state of constant alertness, for the sake of the survival of the species. The rest of a human male might be zonked. But what if a hot cavewoman walks by with some really sexy messy hair? Zing! That cave-willie better be ready, or else the whole damn race might go extinct.”

Anyhow, if the man listens to his willie, he’ll soon find he’s not tired any more and the two of you can go on that awesome rollercoaster ride called doing the nasty. But if, like many men, he’s not attuned to the moods and the non-verbal communications of the trouser sword, he will push you off him and your relationship will deteriorate. The next thing you know, you’ll be in couples therapy arguing about “why I always have to be the one who initiates.” Is there anything more tedious and whiny and awful than that? Trust me, I’ve been there. And it could all have been avoided with a little basic knowledge of Prickish.

“No, I’m not a bit tired. Look, I’m standing up stiff as a board. Play with me!”

2. “She’s right, he’s wrong.”

Don’t you know that every time you get in an argument with me, that’s what your penis is screaming inside the crotch of your jeans there? What, are you wearing ear plugs? The guy is jumping up and down, waving his arms in the air, desperate to get you to understand — there is no upside to winning an argument with the woman. It just means one thing — no sex for willie tonight.

The willie wants you to get your priorities right. Which is better, having sex or being right? Exactly. Being right earns you exactly nothing! All you have to do is back off your point. Try to see the validity of my point. Because if you try to see the validity of my assertion, I might let that willie of yours do a bit of assertion of his own. You know how he likes to make “penetrating” lines of reasoning, and present “hard evidence” for his points of view. Think about that, buster, before you go mansplaining to me about things you don’t need to be thinking about. You know what you should focus on instead — your core strength. You get my thrust?

3. “I’m about to blow!”

Um, how many times has a guy said whoops after finishing exactly where he shouldn’t have been finishing — inside you! Damn, what do you mean, sorry? Didn’t you hear willie? He had pulled the fire alarm, and an automated message was blaring down there through a megaphone, “Warning, warning, evacuate the area immediately. Thousands and thousands of little tadpoles are about to rain down on this area like the ten plagues of Egypt. Warning. Warning! This is not a test.”

There’s no dick in the world that doesn’t let his master know what’s about to come. Dicks are made that way in the man factory. So don’t try to play dumb with me. You were warned. You could have pulled out. But you didn’t want to. Because you love cream pie.

What is it with this obsession with cream pie? You know I can bake, right? I make an amazing lemon meringue pie. It’s totally creamy and delicious.

How’s about an exchange of gifts? I’ll give you a lemon meringue pie and you give me a pearl necklace? Doesn’t have to be a big one. I’ve got small boobs you know. Just a spritz of pearls will do.

4. “No! No! Not there! Anywhere but there! Please. Please, I beg you. Oh the humanity.”

So maybe your willie will make a fuss like this if it seems that you are about to put him in the fundament. You know what the fundament is, right? I thought so — you’re an erudite gentleman.

But have you ever heard of Br’er Rabbit? Br’er Fox had caught Brer Rabbit and was going to roast him, but Br’er Rabbit tricked him. “Please whatever you do, don’t throw me in the briar patch!” Of course, when the fox threw him into the briar patch, the rabbit was able to escape.

So the willie is tricking the man. He’s trying to get the man to send him to the one place the man thinks the willie doesn’t want to go — the fundament.

But willies love the fundament! They just love it! Yes, they’re a little embarrassed about loving it, so they kick up a fuss. So actually, the best thing you can do is call his bluff.

And who knows, you might end up with some chocolate cream pie this time, you cream lover!

5. “I know it’s not raining. But you never can be too careful.”

That sausage knows what he’s talking about. It’s ALWAYS advisable to put on the rain coat. I know I talk about riding bareback a lot, but that’s only because people prefer not to think about raincoats when they are reading a sexy story. There is a difference between real life and stories.

In real life, it’s always going to rain, and I always have the fellow wear his slicker.

He wants it too. He feels much safer snug in that latex glove. And did you know there is a raincoat that is made of lamb and it’s so thin and smooth you almost don’t feel it? Little lambskin raincoat, who made thee? Does thou know who made thee?


The takeway?

Listen to the man downstairs! He has your best interests in mind — and mine! Show him who’s boss — me! You’ll be a lot happier, trust me.

And as for your balls, well that’s a whole other ball of wax. Stay tuned, I might just take a stab at your balls. Whoops, my apologies. Never use the word stab and balls in the same sentence. My bad. I meant that I might write an article about what your balls are trying to say.

Yes, I also speak Ballocksish. Sorry, I’m an overachiever — what can I say?

Joseph A. Cornacchia