Even the Gods are fed up

Dear Zeus,

We regret to inform you that your services are no longer needed on Mount Olympus. We are aware that this news may cause you grief. Yet we also know this news can’t come as a shock, based on your past behavior.

There have been several complaints leveled against you due to your treatment of women here on Mount Olympus and across Greece. Most of these grievances we have discussed with you on several occasions. Please refrain from god-splaining the situation to us. Taking a woman against her will is never justifiable for any reason.

It does not matter if you come in the form of wind, light, or a swan, your advances are unwelcome.

Because of your “dalliances” Mount Olympus has become a toxic work environment. Females, both mortal and immortal, don’t feel safe around you. Worse still, the other male gods are emboldened your behavior.

No one will even participate in Bring Your Maiden Daughter to Work Day after the Persephone incident! As it is we can only get Demeter to work 6 months of the year. You’re lucky she settled so cheaply, she could demanded a lot more sacrifices for the stunt you and your brother pulled.

You’ve done amazing work, but we don’t live in a heroic age anymore. While titans were the biggest threat in the past, now the public’s greatest concern is you. Because of this we believe shuffling the leadership on Mount Olympus will lead to better productivity from the other gods and increased trust from the mortals. They vote with their sacrifices and right now many gods are seeing a steep decline in livestock.

Please be aware that we’ve called security and have confiscated your thunderbolts. While we hope that this severing of ties can be as amicable as possible, we do feel the need to take precautions. Your anger issues, another factor in our decision to let you go, are legendary.

We also implore you to not kill the messenger as he is, if you recall, one of your many sons.

Best of luck with your future endeavors.


Joseph A. CORNACCHIA, Head of Mount Olympus HR Department.